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Here’s to an adventure

Her world was a mess so she lost herself in a wonderland of madness

“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things since breakfast.” -Alice in Wonderland

This may crash and burn, but I’m gonna do it anyway. You only live once!

My name is Bianca. Everyone calls me B. I prefer it that way, otherwise people see me as an exotic Brazilian woman with a perfect ass. I am NOT, in fact, a Brazilian woman with a perfect ass. I am an anything but basic white girl from Oklahoma. But I do have a good ass. And I’ve got a lot to say. But not in person I’m too awkward for that. You’ll find all my random thoughts and lyrics and letters (there’s even some raps) in my very sloppy, very badly written private collection of notebooks. I’m a lover of words and I’m an obsessive self analyzing overthinker. I overthink so much that I get physically ill if I don’t find the time to preserve my energy. It’s an issue. Bare with me, this is the first time I’ve written anything outside of my notebooks.

So what do I have to say? Well, if you’ll come with me on this ride we’ll talk about addiction, PTSD, overcoming our ego, finding a connection with the divine, a near death experience and what happens in the aftermath of surviving a suicide attempt. We’ll talk about delusional paranoia and meth psychosis. We’ll talk about how important it is to be kind and how to give and receive love to yourself and others. We’ll talk about inner demons and how to conquer your mind, along with thoughts on empathy, energies, chakras, and what’s reality and what’s not ( in my humble opinion.) That’s just a few topics. I’ll warn you I get deep and philosophical. I don’t like surface level shit. It’s boring. Music is like breathing to me. I have to have it. It is in the center of my soul, so we’ll talk a lot about music.

We might talk about the time that I wanted to be a rapper (That’s the delusional psychosis that I mentioned) I was convinced and you couldn’t tell me anything else. I even have a “rap notebook.” I might share a rap or two, who knows.

I’ve learned to speak. As in I don’t want to keep my mouth shut anymore. I have 38 years of being so far stuck in my head and never saying that I really wanted to say in fear of being judged or ridiculed. I just recently found my voice. It’s pretty loud when I want it to be. I also just recently discovered that I have congestive heart failure, so I decided to do this so that I can be remembered as someone other than that quiet awkward girl in the corner. In other words, I have found my true self, my self worth and God’s unconditional love.

SO

If you’re in, let’s do it. If not, you should reconsider. The rabbit hole is deep and dark, but if you can manage to dig your way out, it’s freedom. Digging my way out was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I did it with the help of my family, a few genuine friends and a few angels with beautiful singing voices.

This blog is dedicated to my Boogy Mary, my mother Marie and my daddy Larry. You three are my tribe. I love you so much. Thank you for all that you do. Don’t forget.

Let’s unravel the thoughts

On Dying..

There are so many things that I haven’t done. So many things that I want to experience. I don’t know that I’ll get the chance to live out these experiences. I don’t know that I’ll even be here by this time next year. It’s a pain in my heart and in my gut like I’ve never felt. The grief process has been tremendously hard to go through. There’s so many emotions that I’ve gone through over the past few months. Even on a daily basis, it’s hard for me to cycle through the emotions.

When you find out you’re dying there’s about a thousand things that go through your head. You play scenarios out in your head of what it’s going to be like. You think about all of the possibilities of how and when it’s going to happen. I think a lot about my family, especially my daughter. She’s seventeen and I don’t know that I’ll ever see her walk down the aisle. I’ll probably never meet my grandchildren. I won’t see her finish college and have her career. I won’t get to see the amazing woman that she’s going to turn into (Not that she’s not already brilliant and so very beautiful.) There’s so many things I wish that I would’ve done differently had I known that I had limited time. My mother is going to have to bury her child. No mother should ever have to feel that.

I missed out on so many opportunities. So many things that I would’ve done had I known. I’d probably be living on a beach somewhere working as a bartender with dread locks and a nice tan. I always dreamed of that exact thing.

I have met so many beautiful people in my lifetime. I am so grateful for the love I’ve given and received. As I’ve looked back at my life I can remember such awesome friendships and relationships. I hope that I made a good friend to someone. My only regret is not finishing my mission. I wanted to open and run a sober living community. I wanted to help save peoples lives like a few people have saved mine. I wanted to inspire people. All I ever wanted was to inspire and help people get through this life. Sometimes all a person needs is for someone to smile at them or say something nice to them. It could save their life. Trust me, I know.

Don’t take it for granted. It could be over in a heart beat.

Depression

All of a sudden.

Out of nowhere.

Everyone was gone.

No shoulder to lean on

No lips to kiss

No chest to lay her head on

Nothing but her thoughts

In her room

By herself

The madness ensued

She broke one day

Tears fell like a waterfall

Her voice changed

As did the color of her eyes

They weren’t as bright as before

She was lifeless

So many emotions

And no way to express them

She was alone

In her room

With her thoughts

She pushed everyone so far away

She wondered if they’d ever come back

Or if they’d be replaced eventually

Or if she’d ever have a true shoulder to lean on

Or a chest to lay on

She was alone

Completely alone

By herself

In her room

With her thoughts

Her only company

A little furry dog

That couldn’t talk back

She was totally alone

For the first time in her life

The silence was devastating

She didn’t know how to reach out

She cried for help inside of her head

She wished people could hear her thoughts

So that maybe they’d stay

When she tried to push them away

She was alone

No one left to pick up her pieces

The silence was devastating

Eventually she broke

She never returned again

To the same girl she was before

She was alone

In the world

In her room

With her thoughts

Inside her head

A world of fear

She pushed away everyone she held dear

She had no one left

No one to turn to when times got tough

I Didn’t Mean to…

I didn't mean to say those words
They left me open and fragile
They pushed you out of my world
I lost you there in translation

The silence is so loud
I can't hear anything else
I can feel the ties been broken
I can't feel you here at all

I'm walking through the darkness
I'm walking without you
I thought you'd always be here
Those words you just weren't ready to hear

These nights are cold
without your hands on my skin
If I would've never spoke up
What really could've been?

My last words will always haunt me
But it was my very truth
All I got was silence
I didn't hear from you

I couldn't let me lose myself
Those things I had to say
Now I sit here empty
All I have is me to blame

So for now I'll sit here wishing
and try to let you go
If you should ever come back
Please leave your pride at the door

Faith in You

It takes a lot to fight your demons
but it's worth it in the end
You'll have a new life
You'll have freedom from within

Our thoughts can be a battlefield
I fight them every day
I'm starting to see clearer now
Walk with me and I'll show you how
It's not about a bottle of pills
It's not about a therapy session
Just knowing someone is there for you
until the very end

I love you and I'm here for you
because people have been there for me
They've seen my struggle
They've felt my pain
They've helped and seen me through
Even when I'm completely insane
They never gave up hope on me
Until I found the strength myself

To the ones out there who have no hope
To the ones out there lost in the gutter
Without a soul to turn to
This ones just for you
No matter what you do in life
No matter what you go through
There's always a way up and out
You have to believe that it's true
Take my hand and I'll help you up
I'll show you a different view

Dust yourself off lets go find a different way
with a few people on your side
Let's live life better today

I've got faith in you.

Angry but Hopeful

Take this one however you want to. It’s got a sad slow hip hop piano beat to it.

I'm angry inside
I've lost it all again
How many times will I do this
Sanity's hanging by a thread
My thoughts they consume me
I drown in this darkness
No one here to save me

Stuck in my head for weeks
I feel there's no way out
How can I have this vision
When I'm filled with so much doubt.

God, I know you hear me
I'm barely breathing still
I've given this my all
but still my lungs won't fill
I pray to you I'm humble
with the utmost sencerity
How can I reach others
When I can't even help me

All I've ever wanted
Was to help somebody else
I know what it feels like to be left with just yourself

Lord pleas help me
I've got some work to do
Open up my eyes more
Help me make it through

If you're going through a struggle
and you hide behind your pain
all you have to do is look up
and call him out by his name

Look up and say his name

The dope it never loved me
it just took away the pain
at least for a brief moment
I didn't have to feel the shame
So trust me when I say
I know what you're going through
Life's lessons can be heart breaking
but you can make it through
Just know that someone out there
Believes in you.
Because I do.
And he does too.

Listen Closely and You’ll Hear

I was writing one day just like I always do and I was so so dark and heavy and all of a sudden I started writing this out of the blue. God spoke to me that day. It’s hard to go to him when we’re so far down and feel hopeless, but he promises us if we just go to him that we’ll be taken care of. I’ll never forget that day. That day when my words I was writing turned into hope. It might not be in correct form or whatever, but this is what he said (It’s written to an acoustic guitar hip hop beat with some piano..my favorite kinda beat..keep in mind this is not an official song I was just scribbling)


Be still and let me talk to you
If only a whisper for you to hear
Sit in my peace that I've given you
A gift to help remind you
That I'm always near

Come to me when you're troubled
Or when you're broken hearted
Come to me when you're lost
Come to me when everyone has departed
Come to me when your fight is gone
and you've got nothing left to stand on
Nowhere to turn, nowhere to run
Come to me I'll be your armor
Your safe haven in the storm

I'll hold you close and guide you through
You'll see brighter days, a whole new you
Put your trust in me and I'll see you through
All your dark times and all your sadness
I'll walk through with you


Lonely Girls Anthem

I w0ke up with a smile
From the night we had before
I dreamt of you holding me
I’m left here wanting more

There’s a picture in my head
Of who you are to me
You sparked my soul
It’s hard to breathe
I long for your kiss
And your breath on my cheek
Baby take this old heart
And Keep making it beat

You are the one
Who I see in my dreams
You are the one
That can set me free
You are the one
That makes it all worth it
to me

Give me your pain
And I’ll share it with you
Lets walk through this together
Let one and one make two

This cage is breaking
Around my broken heart
It’s been sealed and unopened
From a love fell apart
So baby I’ll make this
One promise to you
I’ll give you all of me
If you give me all of you

Baby you had me right from the start
Baby you have me right from the heart
These chains ain’t holdin’
They’re falling apart
And if you should catch me
Right when I fall
I’ll be the luckiest
Lonely girl of all.

This song is inspired by someone that I know who recently gave me a gift. He woke up a piece of me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Thank you for sparking my soul and opening up my heart to the possibility of love again. Thank you for showing me how to write again and teaching me how to write a song. I’ll forever remember the air guitar and the nights we spent lost in each other and the universe.
Big love from me and your furry girlfriend

P.S. Your mojo never left, it’s alive and well
trust me!