Her world was a mess so she lost herself in a wonderland of madness
“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things since breakfast.” -Alice in Wonderland
This may crash and burn, but I’m gonna do it anyway. You only live once!
My name is Bianca. Everyone calls me B. I prefer it that way, otherwise people see me as an exotic Brazilian woman with a perfect ass. I am NOT, in fact, a Brazilian woman with a perfect ass. I am an anything but basic white girl from Oklahoma. But I do have a good ass. And I’ve got a lot to say. But not in person I’m too awkward for that. You’ll find all my random thoughts and lyrics and letters (there’s even some raps) in my very sloppy, very badly written private collection of notebooks. I’m a lover of words and I’m an obsessive self analyzing overthinker. I overthink so much that I get physically ill if I don’t find the time to preserve my energy. It’s an issue. Bare with me, this is the first time I’ve written anything outside of my notebooks.
So what do I have to say? Well, if you’ll come with me on this ride we’ll talk about addiction, PTSD, overcoming our ego, finding a connection with the divine, a near death experience and what happens in the aftermath of surviving a suicide attempt. We’ll talk about delusional paranoia and meth psychosis. We’ll talk about how important it is to be kind and how to give and receive love to yourself and others. We’ll talk about inner demons and how to conquer your mind, along with thoughts on empathy, energies, chakras, and what’s reality and what’s not ( in my humble opinion.) That’s just a few topics. I’ll warn you I get deep and philosophical. I don’t like surface level shit. It’s boring. Music is like breathing to me. I have to have it. It is in the center of my soul, so we’ll talk a lot about music.
We might talk about the time that I wanted to be a rapper (That’s the delusional psychosis that I mentioned) I was convinced and you couldn’t tell me anything else. I even have a “rap notebook.” I might share a rap or two, who knows.
I’ve learned to speak. As in I don’t want to keep my mouth shut anymore. I have 38 years of being so far stuck in my head and never saying that I really wanted to say in fear of being judged or ridiculed. I just recently found my voice. It’s pretty loud when I want it to be. I also just recently discovered that I have congestive heart failure, so I decided to do this so that I can be remembered as someone other than that quiet awkward girl in the corner. In other words, I have found my true self, my self worth and God’s unconditional love.
If you’re in, let’s do it. If not, you should reconsider. The rabbit hole is deep and dark, but if you can manage to dig your way out, it’s freedom. Digging my way out was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I did it with the help of my family, a few genuine friends and a few angels with beautiful singing voices.
This blog is dedicated to my Boogy Mary, my mother Marie and my daddy Larry. You three are my tribe. I love you so much. Thank you for all that you do. Don’t forget.